Self-care

Dr. Hannah Roberts · November 13, 2017 ·

“When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.” ~Willie Nelson

A Month of Gratitude

This November, we are practicing a month of gratitude. Each Monday, we want to share a new gratitude practice with you! Ongoing research suggests that gratitude activities may improve life satisfaction (Seligman, Steen, Park, & Peterson, 2005). Last week we looked at how you score on the Gratitude Questionnaire. Today, we are going to introduce you to the most simple option of all the gratitude practices: the gratitude list.

The Gratitude List

Practicing gratitude includes acknowledging the positive aspects of one’s life. This may include listing the good things that have or are happening in life, as well as identifying those important people in your life. A gratitude list is a simple list of those people and things that you are grateful for. Many research studies have included writing down a gratitude list at the end of each day. A gratitude list helps you reflect on the day with a positive lens, reviewing the events of the day and looking for those things that you are most grateful for. Writing things down helps you shift your thinking and memory and also gives you an ongoing list to reflect on.

Simplicity is Key

Researchers have found that you do not need to make a long list of what you are thankful for, but instead found that the shorter the list, the easier it is to practice gratitude. A recent study found that it was easier for people to remember and write down two acts in which people close to them did something for which they should be thankful than it was to think of six (Puente-Diaz & Cavazos-Arroyo, 2016).

We Challenge You

So today, we are suggesting that you try writing down two things you are thankful for at the end of the day. They don’t have to be epic. It could be something as simple as being thankful for having the modern conveniences of electricity and running water, or feeling grateful for the friendly smile of your barista as they handed you a hot beverage. You can keep a notepad beside your bed, or you can simply type them into your phone. If you have a planner, you can create a space to write your gratitude list down each day. Have a journal? You could keep a running list on the front or back page. Maybe you’re not so good at remembering? That’s ok! Try a post-it note on your bathroom mirror and leave a sharpie on the counter; you can add to your list when you brush your teeth every night! We challenge you to try this for a week. It’s ok if the same things come up each evening – the goals is to end your day thinking about those two positive things.

Sounds too simple to be true? Try a gratitude list this week and see how it goes!

Dr. Hannah Roberts · September 29, 2017 ·

Ah, fall! Growing up in Michigan, fall was always my favorite time of year. The air smelled different: often crisp, sometimes smoky. The leaves turned bright colors. We headed back to school (yes, I was one of those that loved school) and the cider orchard had juicy, flavorful apples and a seemingly endless supply of fresh cider.

Even now, living on California’s Central Coast, I love fall. Fall days are actually warmer here, with less fog rolling in from the ocean than in summer. I love surfing at sunset in the fall, just as the sun goes down on the horizon. The smell of the air changes here too – there’s more of a dry, herbal chaparral aroma on the wind. And apple season is still my favorite here.

In some ways, fall has always felt more like a new year to me than January. Everywhere, kids go back to school. I loved that academic year rhythm so much, I chose to work at universities for the past 10 years to keep that cyclical pattern of work and life. There’s something both nostalgic and comforting about starting a fresh school year – new outfit, new classroom, yet similar routines. It often feels like life comes back into balance with the return of the school year.

Fall is a time of resetting. Of preparing and returning to routines. We put the swimwear away and pack up the camping gear, reminiscing on the adventures of summer, as we settle down for the long nights of winter. We celebrate the harvest and pick and preserve the last bounty of summer to keep us nourished through the winter.

Fall is a season of balance. The length of daylight and darkness is evenly balanced on the autumn equinox and this helps us find our grounding after the enthusiasm of summer and prepare for the darker days of winter.

As we enter fall this year, here are a few simple ways you can find balance in your own life:

Let Go Of Clutter

Now is the time to clear out all of the things you no longer need. Not only is it a great time to get rid of clutter and clear out your closets, donating those things that are taking up space, but it is also time to look at your life and let go of what’s not working. Perhaps there are relationships that are more work than they are worth. Perhaps there are old habits that no longer feel good. See what you can let go of this fall to make room for improved ease and self care.

Establish New Intentions

Take some time to journal or think about what intentions or goals you have for fall. These will carry you through to the holiday season and new year. Remind yourself of them daily, by writing them down in your planner, on a post-it note on your bathroom mirror, or by creating an image that represents your intention that you can set as your desktop or phone wallpaper. These intentions should always be your top priority and can help you find clarity when day to day distractions come up.

Set A Schedule

Now that you’ve identified your goals and intentions, fall is a perfect time to put new habits into practice, or to return to those that you used to benefit from. Research shows that it takes 21 days to form a new habit. If you start now, that habit will be fully established by Halloween (perfect timing for those hoping to get a head start on healthy habits and have them in place for the holidays). Map out the next few weeks on your calendar and include priorities such as exercise, nutrition, and sleep.

Get The Best Sleep Of Your Life

Speaking of sleep, now is the perfect time to get your sleep on track. It’s easy to neglect sleep during the long summer days, where additional daylight adds energy and there’s always some fun activity going on. Yet sleep is an important foundation for everything else in our lives and we function best with a consistent bedtime and 7-9 hours of sleep.

Ask For Support

Fall is a perfect time to try out therapy. Many people use this time to reflect on past relationships and experiences and explore what changes might bring their lives more into balance. If this is something you are interested in, feel free to schedule a consultation with us today!

Dr. Hannah Roberts · March 30, 2017 ·

I love to say “yes!” Enthusiastically. And often.

Need help with a project? Sure! Going on an adventure? Yes, please! Need an extra hand? Happy to help! Reading an interesting book in book club? Count me in!

Nothing makes me happier than saying “yes” – there are so many interesting opportunities out there! I am a connector by nature: I feel good when I am helping others. I love feeling like I’m giving back and sharing the abundance of enthusiasm and curiosity life has blessed me with.

However, I’ve found that the more things I say yes to, the more likely I am to feel overwhelmed. I end up perpetually running late and feeling guilty. Eventually, I find myself tired, cranky, and exhausted. This occasionally results in a tearful breakdown; canceling plans; catching that cold that’s going around; or worse (for me) getting irritable and inpatient with those I love. One of the worst symptoms of burnout is losing touch with your empathy and no longer caring about the people and things that were once important to you.

And I know I’m not the only one. Much of my work as a psychologist in San Luis Obispo has been with clients, especially women, discovering boundaries for the first time. I have seen women go on dates, and continue sexual relationships because:

“I can’t let him down.”

“I don’t want to hurt him.”

“I’m not really sure what I do want.”

I have seen women (and men) take on extraordinary workloads in the office saying:

“I can’t disappoint anyone.”

“I don’t want to seem like I’m not pulling my weight.”

“I can’t let my team down – they are counting on me.”

So many individuals are exhausting themselves, wearing themselves thin, and at times, putting themselves in uncomfortable situations because they do not feel comfortable saying “no.” Our culture has not only glorified “being busy” but it has created generations of women that feel they can’t express themselves, can’t be honest about their feelings or their energy level, and most certainly, can not say “no.” This creates codependent relationships, burnout on the job, and overall soul fatigue.

“Setting boundaries is challenging for most people. It’s especially challenging for holistically inclined women, because we tend to want to merge and connect – with everything. For some of us, learning to set healthy boundaries will be the undertaking of our lifetime, the ultimate work of self-reverence” ~Danielle LaPorte, White Hot Truth

In Need of Better Boundaries

What I continue to work on, with my clients in therapy and also within my own internal dialogue, is continuous gentle reminders that boundaries are good. Boundaries are protective, they are healthy, and ultimately, maintaining boundaries is the respectful and kind thing to do.

If you let your supervisor know that you are overwhelmed on project A and really need to give it a good solid week of undivided attention before you move on to project B, they will appreciate your clarity and focus. If you tell your book club you can’t make it, as you were so looking forward to that yoga workshop Friday, but you’ll happily host next month, they’ll be looking forward to that. And if you tell Mr. super sweet, but not right for you that you don’t really see where things are going and you’re not interested in dragging things out, he gets to move on and find someone who is actually a better fit sooner.

Boundaries are good for me and they are good for the people I interact and communicate with. If I care about something, I want to be able to give it 100% of my attention. And while there is always so much to enjoy in life, I’ll never get through all of it, so I’d rather focus with clarity on the top choices.

Three Ways to Set Clear Boundaries:

Set a schedule and stick to it. Bonus step: Let those around you know about your new and improved schedule and that you will be following it with no exceptions. Then no one is surprised when you hold your boundary. As I was actively working to change my relationship to my work and to set clear boundaries around my time, I began to share my process with my colleagues, who then became my cheerleaders.
Remember that when you say no to one thing, you are saying yes to something else! Each time you say “no” aloud, gently whisper to yourself what this no allows you to say “yes” to. Make a list in your planner each week of what your priorities are and hold those things sacred. Putting your yeses first allows you to be clear about what might need a boundary.
Most of us have a hard time using negative language. And many people have negative reactions to negative language. Instead of “no”, you could try using positive language instead. Try something like “here’s what I can do…” Be clear in your communication.

Get Support!

Often, setting boundaries takes multiple attempts, especially if there are people in your life that do not respect healthy boundaries. If this is something you’ve been struggling with, know that therapy can be a great place to safety practice boundaries. You can try on different ways of saying things, explore the areas that feel in need of boundaries, and even develop your list of priorities. This is an area where most of us need support! Is there a strategy that has been particularly helpful for you? We’d love to hear it! Please share your ideas in the comments below!