College mental health

Dr. Hannah Roberts · February 15, 2024 ·

Hello Thrivers!

This month, you’ll be hearing more from us as we are introducing a new blog!

Our intern, Gavin Hannegan is an undergraduate student at Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo supervised by Dr. Hannah Roberts. He’ll be sharing some weekly blog posts that we think you might find helpful regarding queer identities (LGBTQIA+) and queer-affirming therapy, which is a special passion for us here at Thrive SLO. We’re so glad to have you join us for this conversation!

Support Your Trans Child: Best Practices

“I can’t begin to express how remarkable it feels

to finally love who I am enough

to pursue my authentic self.”

-Elliot Page, actor

Coming out as trans is not an easy thing to do. For many transgender children, they have been planning to tell their parents for months, years, or even decades. If they come out to you, that means that your child trusts you with personal information. They want to share with you their true, authentic self. Knowing that you want to support your child is an important first step, but how best to do that? With all of the prejudice against LGBTQ+ people occurring around the world, can your support make a difference? Yes it can!

Here are 5 practices to help you best support your trans child.

#1: It’s Okay to Give Yourself Time to Process

It is totally normal to feel unsure or confused about your child’s trans identity. That does not make you a bad parent! One strategy that other parents of trans children have found helpful is to allow yourself some grace as you adjust what you may have expected your child’s life to be like (Sansfaçon et al., 2019). Through this reflection, you can better attend to the needs of your child. It is also okay to be honest with your child and let them know how you are feeling, but don’t let your grief dominate your relationship. Tell them that you are supportive but that you need time to process. Chances are that your child also needed some time to come to terms with their identity.

#2: Find a Support Group with Other Parents of Trans Children

There are plenty of other parents who have gone through similar situations. Reach out to any parents in your community with trans children and ask for their advice. These parents can validate your feelings and direct you to resources to help support your trans child, including where to access gender-affirming medical care. Or, if you don’t know anyone with a trans child, join a support group online. Support groups have been found to improve parents’ understanding of their child’s gender identity, strengthen the relationship between parent and child, and foster a sense of empowerment (Dangaltcheva et al., 2021). Building connections with trans allies is an especially important tool for combating systemic prejudice.

#3: Engage in Open Conversations With the LGBTQ+ Community

These conversations can seem intimidating, but they are important to have. Enter these conversations with a desire to learn and a willingness to change your perspectives, if needed. You can watch videos made by trans individuals on platforms such as YouTube or TikTok. You should also give your child a safe space to talk more about their experiences as a trans individual. It’s possible that you may say the wrong thing or not know how to respond–and that’s okay! The goal here is to support your trans child by letting them feel heard.

#4: Help Your Child Seek Out Gender-Affirming Medical Care

While not essential for everyone, many trans children seek out medical care (when age and developmentally appropriate) to help them physically transition into their experienced gender identity. This can include, but not limited to, hormone therapy, top surgery, or speech therapy. With parental support, trans and gender non-conforming youth report feeling more confident accessing and utilizing gender-affirming medical care (Pflugeisen et al., 2023). Your child should determine what type of care they need, although be sure to have you and your child consult with a medical professional throughout the process. Your support can include financial resources, researching gender-affirming medical practitioners, or accompanying your child to appointments.

#5: Love Your Child for Who They Are!

The most important resource you can provide for your trans child is love. Their trans identity is just one part of who they are. The core human being that you’ve loved for all of their life has not changed. By continuing to accept and love your child, the relationship between you two may become even stronger (Sansfaçon et al., 2015). Also, remember that this is your child’s journey, not yours. Don’t let your anxieties keep you from showing your child the respect and appreciation that they deserve. Even if the process towards acceptance is longer than you would think, the hard work that both of you put into this relationship will pay off.

Have more questions or feel like you need more support in life? Schedule a session with one of our therapists today! You can schedule online here!

We hope you enjoyed this blog post! Have more topics you’d like us to blog about? Contact us and we’ll be sure to include your topic in a future post!

Dr. Hannah Roberts · February 8, 2024 ·

Hello Thrivers!

This month, you’ll be hearing more from us as we are introducing a new blog!

Our intern, Gavin Hannegan is an undergraduate student at Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo supervised by Dr. Hannah Roberts. He’ll be sharing some weekly blog posts we think you might find helpful regarding queer identities (LGBTQIA+) and queer-affirming therapy, which is a special passion for us here at Thrive SLO. We’re so glad to have you join us for this conversation!

A Brief Guide to Coming Out

“We are not what other people say we are.

We are who we know ourselves to be, and we are what we love.

That’s okay.”

— Laverne Cox

One of many milestones for members of the LGBTQ+ community is coming out. Because we live in a world that assumes everyone is straight and cisgender, disclosing your queer or trans identity to others is an expected component to your identity development. While this process may be intimidating, coming out can also be relieving and empowering. Before anything else, be proud that you have reached a point where you are feeling ready to share your true identity with others.

Even if you’re ready to come out, you may be asking, “How do I come out?” Everyone experiences their identities in different ways, so there may not be a one-size-fits-all approach. However, here are 4 important factors to consider when deciding to come out.

#1: Consider the Context

It may be necessary to consider the who, where, and when of the coming out process. Unfortunately, some individuals may be less receptive to LGBTQ+ identities due to cultural, religious, or other personal reasons (Tamagawa 2017). Some countries even criminalize LGBTQ+ status. Although the U.S. is moving towards a greater acceptance of LGBTQ+ folk, younger cohorts of queer people are just as likely as older cohorts to have their identities invalidated by their parents (van Bergen et al., 2021). Even more concerning, the threat of violence affects how freely trans individuals express their identity (Brumbaugh-Johnson & Hull, 2018). While you deserve to present yourself authentically, recognize that your personal safety is also important. This is especially imperative for queer and trans youth under the age of 18.

#2: There Are Many Different Ways to Come Out

You can choose to sit down with a close friend or family member when you are coming out and come out to them in private. You can also leave a note or send a text if you want to avoid seeing others’ initial reactions. Coming out can be as grand as a PowerPoint presentation or as simple as a matter-of-fact statement. You can even come out indirectly through a meme or a video made by someone else. The “right” way to come out depends on what you are most comfortable with. Additionally, what you disclose is entirely up to you. If you need inspiration, check out the variety of coming out videos posted on YouTube. Many of these videos do a great job of framing coming out not simply as an announcement, but as the culmination of a personal journey towards self-love (Lovelock 2019).

#3: You Will Likely Have to Come Out More Than Once

Coming out is an ongoing process. In addition to friends and family, you might also have to come out to your boss, coworkers, medical care providers, and other people that you encounter regularly. For those who are disclosing their sexuality, the coming out process is much simpler, and can often amount to you referring to the name of your romantic partner, for example. However, there may be additional steps for those who are disclosing their gender identity. This may include asking others to refer to you using your preferred name and pronouns or updating your medical records. Trans individuals may even have to come out twice to the same person if they previously came out as gay, lesbian, bisexual, etc.

#4: You Are Not Alone

There are millions of LGBTQ+ individuals who have experienced the same concerns, fears, or excitement that coming out brings. There are also millions of straight and cisgender allies who are eager to support you in this process. Ask for help when you need it! Strong social networks, whether in your local community or online, can share advice, congratulate you each time you come out, and connect you to affirming organizations. You can also ask others to be in the room with you as you come out, or you can even ask others to come out for you. People that love you for who you are will allow you to love yourself for who you are. And remember that there is no rush to come out. Take as much time as you need to feel comfortable, safe, and proud.

Feel like you need more support in life? Schedule a session with one of our therapists today! You can schedule online here!

We hope you enjoyed this blog post! Have more topics you’d like us to blog about? Contact us and we’ll be sure to include your topic in a future post!

References

Brumbaugh-Johnson, S. M. & Hull, K. E. (2018). Coming out as transgender: Navigating the social implications of a transgender identity. Journal of Homosexuality, 66(8), 1148-1177. https://doi.org/10.1080/00918369.2018.1493253.

Lovelock, M. (2019). “My coming out story”: Lesbian, gay and bisexual youth identities on YouTube. International Journal of Cultural Studies, 22(1), 70-85. https://doi.org/10.1177/1367877917720237.

Tamagawa, M. (2017). Coming out to parents in Japan: A sociocultural analysis of lived experiences. Sexuality & Culture, 22, 497-520. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12119-017-9481-3.

van Bergen, D. D., Wilson, B. D. M., Russell, S. T., Gordon, A. G., & Rothblum, E. D. (2021). Parental responses to coming out by lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer, pansexual, or two-spirited people across three age cohorts. Journal of Marriage and Family, 83(4), 1116-1133. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.12731.

Sarah Park · September 14, 2017 ·

I remember missing my bedroom from home during my first quarter of my freshmen year of college. I went from being the only person in my room to living with 3 other women. It was tense and not all of our personalities fit well. We started off polite enough but soon we devolved into yelling matches. None of us were bad people, we were just in a strange new situation without a lot of understanding of how to address the conflict we kept running into. Here is a list of 5 things I wish I knew when I was experiencing living with roommates for the first time.

1. Communication

I really should say TIMELY communication. Don’t let things build. What often happens is people let things slide until they can’t stand it anymore then when they finally say something it comes out with an edge of frustration or anger. This leaves the other person feeling surprised or defensive.

Let’s look at an example of how to communicate clearly. The situation is that you notice that your roommate used your computer without asking and you are not ok with this. Maybe you would have let them use your computer if they had asked but it feels like a violation for them to just use it.

Step 1: State the facts. In a calm tone say; “I saw you used my computer while I was out.”

Step 2: Express how you are feeling. “When you use my things without asking it makes me feel uncomfortable.”

Step 3: Tell them what you would like in the future. “Next time I would like you to ask before you use any of my stuff. If I’m not here it’s ok to text me.”

Step 4: Indicate what the outcome will be if they do what you ask of them in the future. “I would like to continue to build a trusting relationship with you and this will help!”

2. Be clear and stay on track.

Even if you follow all the steps above it is still possible that your roommate will respond defensively. A common tactic is to change the fight into something else. For example, “well I had to wash your dishes this morning because you left your cereal bowl in the sink. You should wash your dishes more often so I don’t have to do it.”

I know it is sooooo tempting to be derailed by these types of statements but the best course of action is to stay on topic.

Be a broken record: “We can talk about that later. Right now we are talking about you using my computer without permission. In the future I would like you to ask before using any of my things.”

3. Actually listening.

So far we’ve talked about ways you can communicate clearly to a roommate, but what about when someone is trying to tell you something? It’s important to try and listen to what they are asking of you. Of course there are boundaries to this, you should not stand for abusive and aggressive forms of communication. However, if a roommate is approaching you with a concern in a way that is not abusive it is up to you to really take in a hear what they are saying. It does not mean you agree, it means you respect the other person enough to hear them and let them know you are hearing them. You can use similar steps from number 1 to be a better listener.

Let’s switch perspectives and pretend you are the roommate who used the computer without permission.

Step 1: Repeat what you understood. “What I’m hearing you say is that you are not comfortable with me using your stuff without asking. I didn’t think it was a big deal and I’m hearing that it wasn’t ok with you.”

Step 2: Indicate how their communication makes you feel. “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I’m really sorry for that.”

Step 3: State what you will do in the future. “I’ll totally ask before I use any of your stuff in the future.”

4. Using your resources.

Your Residence Assistants (RAs) and Coordinators of Student Development (CSDs) are trained to help with roommate communication and conflict. Students often go to them as a last resort, I’d encourage you to engage your RA before you at the point of wanting to move out. Both RAs and CSDs can help with mediation and can support you to use better communication skills.

During my college roommate conflict reaching out to our RA was really what helped. Having another person support us to navigate communication was key. We were all so sure our side was right it was nearly impossible for us to discuss our differences without breaking into a fight. The RA provided us the support we needed to stay calm and communicate.

5. Knowing when to walk away.

Sometimes there is just a poor match between roommates and all the communication in the world won’t fix that. Understand what your limits are and talk to your RAs or CSDs about your desire to move. Also understand that moving may not solve everything. There might be other issues with the next roommates and moving isn’t always easy with full dormitories. Weigh your options and honor your needs.

In my situation one of my 3 roommates ended up moving out. It was really what was best for the 4 of us. We were all much happier and we were able to remain friendly with one another. Not everyone is meant to live with each other.

Living with other people is often not simple or immediately easy. However, the close relationships that can result from clear communication and understanding can be priceless. Those women I lived with my freshmen year are still friends of mine and it’s been quite some time since we shared that room together.

If you would like additional support navigating school, roommates and being away from home Thrive San Luis Obispo is here to help. We specialize in helping Cal Poly students adjust and thrive. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and see if coaching or therapy is right for you!

Don’t miss out on our blog posts and free events! Join our email list by entering you name and email address below.
We promise we won’t spam you and you can unsubscribe at any time.

Thrive SLO Email List

Name*
First Last
Email*
Phone
This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.