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Authenticity

Dr. Hannah Roberts · April 25, 2024 ·

How To: Have Better Boundaries with Your Smartphone

“Almost everything will work again if you

unplug it for a few minutes,

including you.”

~Anne Lamott

by Gavin Hannegan, Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo undergraduate intern, supervised by Dr. Hannah Roberts

Every Sunday morning, my iPhone sends me a notification reviewing my average screen time for the week (for some reason, I always get the message at exactly 9:13am). Some weeks I feel proud of the number. A lower screen time usually means that I had a productive week and that most of the time spent on my phone was used for school- or work-related reasons. Other weeks I’m not as proud. A decision to take a quick TikTok break may have turned into an hour-long escape from my responsibilities. Weeks like that make me feel guilty, that I should have never opened those apps to begin with. But phones aren’t necessarily a “bad thing.” The key factor is how you use your phone. 

I’m not going to tell you to throw your phone in the garbage can. Not only is it unrealistic to quit your phone usage cold turkey, but it’s also one of the hardest ways to practice self-control related to screen-time (Brevers & Turel, 2019). Smartphones have become an essential component of modern life. They are an efficient way to communicate with friends, family, and even our employers. For college students who are away from home, smartphones may be one of the only ways we are able to check in with our loved ones. The convenience of apps like GPS, calendars, and mobile delivery services are incredibly valuable for the working individual. You may even be reading this blog post on a mobile device. But there are evidence-based ways to enjoy our phones in moderation, to mitigate the health risks that increase the more time we spend scrolling. It can be hard to say “no” to your phone, so here are some recommendations for creating a more healthy relationship with your cellular device.

Set Screen Time Goals

Be specific and realistic with how much time you want to spend on your phone. Account for what you typically do with your phone on a given day. Consider your current average screen time as a baseline. Based on a sample of college students, your daily screen time should be no more than 5 hours. From 5 hours onward, each successive hour spent on phone usage will increase the risk of depressive symptoms by 20% (Rosenthal et al., 2021). If your daily screen time tends to be more than 5 hours, take a look in your phone’s settings to see a breakdown of how frequently you use each app. This will help you identify some of the “problem areas” and will allow your goals to be more concrete. On Apple devices, you can click Settings > Screen Time > App Limits to determine how much time your phone will allow you to spend on a particular set of apps.

Regulate the Amount of Notifications You Receive per Day

Some apps may send too much spam, so it’s easy to turn notifications off for those specific cases, or delete those apps entirely. But what about messages that you don’t want to miss, like a text from Mom or an important update in the group chat? One study recommends a technique called batching, which is where your notifications appear at set times throughout the day. When notifications are scheduled to appear 3 times a day, phone users report higher levels of well-being compared to those who did not regulate their notifications and those who turned off all of their notifications. Unpredictable notifications can be distracting, while a long-term “Do Not Disturb” setting can actually increase anxiety through the fear of missing out (FOMO) (Fitz et al., 2019). To batch your notifications on an Apple device, go to Settings > Notifications > Scheduled Summary.

Limit Phone Usage Especially Before Sleep

The best time to start implementing these strategies is before your bedtime. Sleep is crucial for the regulation of our body and mind, but the use of our phones even an hour before we rest our eyes can disrupt this regulation. This is because the blue light emitted from phones slows the production of melatonin, a hormone involved in maintaining our circadian rhythm. If our circadian rhythm is disrupted, then we have a harder time falling and staying asleep, and we also feel more groggy and tired during the day (Cajochen et al., 2011). As screen time goes up, our sleep quality goes down. Over time, the worse our sleep becomes, the more likely we are to experience a number of negative health outcomes such as obesity, feelings of depression, and strokes (Christensen et al., 2016). While an eventual goal may be to cut phone usage well before we sleep, there are some ways to start smaller. You can reduce the blue light on Apple devices by going to Settings > Display & Brightness > Night Shift, which will make your screen have a warmer tone as the day gets darker. Another tip is to put your phone away before beginning your nighttime routine. This will allow you to direct all of your attention on your skincare, for example, without feeling distracted by your phone. Lastly, leave your phone out of reach while you sleep to reduce any temptations.

Spend Time with Your Friends Instead of Your Phone

This is not the same as interacting with your friends on social media platforms. When we feel the impulse to scroll on social media, it’s often because we feel bored, lonely, or want to suppress our FOMO. And these feelings arise out of a need for social and psychological stimulation. What’s ironic, though, is that when we resort to our smartphones to attempt to gain that stimulation, we effectively reject the stimulation that we would receive–and should be receiving–from in-person interactions (Gao et al., 2023). There’s a term for this process: phubbing. Phubbing is a portmanteau of the words “phone” and “snubbing”, referencing how a person will choose to focus on their phone rather than on the person they’re having a conversation with (Gao et al., 2023). But phubbing doesn’t give us the stimulation that we’re looking for. In fact, it damages our social relationships. Phubbing can lower the relationship quality of romantic couples by making partners feel excluded, ignored, and less intimate (Beukeboom & Pollmann, 2021). Our phones cannot be a substitute for healthy social interaction. 

No phone setting this time; just make plans with your friends! You may have busy schedules with school or work, but just a quick lunch break or a walk around the park will help you feel socially connected. These activities can satisfy your needs and take up the time that you may have otherwise spent on your phone. Even if you bring your phone to a social event, you can still prioritize your friend group by watching videos or looking up information together on one device (Beukeboom & Pollmann, 2021). 

We hope these tips give you a variety of options to tailor your phone usage to your individual lives. When you see that screen time report on Sunday morning, be proud of the work you’ve put in to find that healthy balance. Feel free to share some of your favorite strategies with us, we’d love to hear from you!

Have more questions or feel like you need therapy? Schedule a session with one of our therapists today! You can schedule online here!

We hope you enjoyed this blog post! Have more topics you’d like us to blog about? Contact us and we’ll be sure to include your topic in a future post!

References

Beukeboom, C. J. & Pollmann, M. (2021). Partner phubbing: Why using your phone during interactions with your partner can be detrimental for your relationship. Computers in Human Behavior, 124, 1-11. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2021.106932

Brevers, D. & Turel, O. (2019). Strategies for self-controlling social media use: Classification and role in preventing social media addiction symptoms. Journal of Behavioral Addictions, 8(3), 554-563. https://doi.org/10.1556/2006.8.2019.49

Cajochen, C., Frey, S., Anders, D., Späti, J., Bues, M., Pross, A., Mager, R., Wirz-Justice, A., & Stefani, O. (2011). Evening exposure to a light-emitting diodes (LED)-backlit computer screen affects circadian physiology and cognitive performance. Journal of Applied Physiology, 110(5), 1432-1438. https://doi.org/10.1152/japplphysiol.00165.2011

Christensen, M. A., Bettencourt, L., Kaye, L., Moturu, S. T., Nguyen, K. T., Olgin, J. E., Pletcher, M. J., & Marcus, G. M. (2016). Direct measurements of smartphone screen-time: Relationships with demographics and sleep. PLoS ONE, 11(11), 1-14. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0165331

Fitz, N., Kushlev, K., Jagannathan, R., Lewis, T., Paliwal, D., & Ariely, D. (2019). Batching smartphone notifications can improve well-being. Computers in Human Behavior, 101, 86-84. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2019.07.016

Gao, B., Liu, Y., Shen, Q., Fu, C., Li, W., & Li, X. (2023). Why cannot I stop phubbing? Boredom proneness and phubbing: A multiple mediation model. Psychology Research and Behavior Management, 16, 3727-3738. https://doi.org/10.2147/PRBM.S423371

Rosenthal, S. R., Zhou, J., & Booth, S. T. (2021). Association between mobile phone screen time and depressive symptoms among college students: A threshold effect. Human Behavior and Emerging Technologies, 3(3), 432-440. https://doi.org/10.1002/hbe2.256

Sarah Park · January 4, 2023 ·

For better or worse, the holidays are over. We are now inundated with messages about change and self-improvement, often with an emphasis on diet and exercise. There is so much pressure to be different. You know, new year, new me. I find myself struggling to push back against the narrative that I must change something about myself to be worthy, to be accepted to be enough. 

What if you leaned into who you are even more?

What if instead of committing to changing into this new person who goes to the gym 5 days a week and only eats kale salads, you become more you? What if you leaned into who you are even more? What if you tuned into your mind and body to more intuitively meet your own needs? Does you body want to move? What sounds good? Does your body need rest? Maybe take that nap. Is your body craving some sweets? Get what you really want. Are you craving connection? Reach out? Do you need some alone time to recharge? Hide in the bathroom? (As an introvert I highly recommend hiding in the bathroom during a social function in which you are feeling overstimulated.)

We are self regulating machines.

There is deep wisdom in our bodies and minds. We are self regulating machines. The problem is we’ve often lost touch with our needs. Fostering a deep trust in ourselves takes practice, patience and time. 

How dare I ask for my need to be met? These were some old old messages I had been taught and boy was it hard to do something differently.

While I was in grad school I realized that I was really good at ignoring my needs. I didn’t know what a need look, felt or sounded like. I only met my own needs accidentally. I set out to figure out how to identify my needs, food seemed like a good place to start since I had many opportunities to try. I started to notice a pattern, at dinner time I’d often offer several options for dinner to my partner. I honestly thought that I felt equally interested in each option I offered. However, after my partner chose I often noticed either feeling excited or disappointed. Before offering the options I started to become curious about which option would make me feel excited. Then one day I decided just to ask for the option I wanted without offering options. When I tell you I was scared, that’s an understatement. How dare I ask for my need to be met? These were some old old messages I had been taught and boy was it hard to do something differently. As luck would have it my partner was happy to meet my need. This was the start of my need identification journey. A journey I’m still on to this day. 

Let’s all work on becoming more of ourselves this year!

Here are three simple but not easy steps to tuning into your needs and meeting them. 

  1. Take your time to slow down. Check in with your physical body and your emotional state. Be curious about what is present for you. 
  2. Pick one area of your life to practice tuning in. The skills will naturally generalize to other areas as you practice. 
  3. Once you do something to attempt to meet your need really check in. Do you feel satisfied? Was there something else that would have felt better? Did something stop you from doing what you really needed? 

The more you practice the above three steps the more natural that process will become. Let’s all work on becoming more of ourselves this year! 

If you would like some support with becoming more of yourself the ladies at Thrive SLO have your back. Schedule an appointment on-line! 

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Sarah Park · July 6, 2021 ·

Picture of a white woman with glasses on pointing to a chalkboard covered in writing.

 

I have recently reached a new level of understanding of the value of acknowledging that I don’t know the answer for something. Growing up I was often asked to function above my level of ability or development. There was little room for not knowing. Not knowing was dangerous and unacceptable on some level. So, I improvised, a lot. I did the best I could often without the proper external support.

Friendships were damaged and ended due in part to my lack of awareness of my own limitations.

As I grew into my early adult years this part of me that tried to make up for not knowing became more and more problematic. It was difficult to identify situations where a simple “I don’t know” or curiosity rather than knowing the answer was more important. I missed out on learning opportunities. Friendships were damaged and ended due in part to my lack of awareness of my own limitations. Limitations I had not been allowed to acknowledge to survive. I hurt people and myself, I was often left very confused at the conclusions of these interactions. Wasn’t I just trying to help? Wasn’t I just trying to keep my loved ones safe?

Letting go of the identities I had cultivated as the “high functioning” family member, the friend who “knows what to do” and even the “mother of the group” on a night out.

My training as a Gestalt therapist reminded me repeatedly that I cannot assume that I know what the person across from me is communicating without carefully exploring with them what their meaning is. If I cannot assume what they are communicating, then I certainly cannot assume what they should do about their situation. As this way of being sunk in professionally it took longer for it to take hold personally. Letting go of the identities I had cultivated as the “high functioning” family member, the friend who “knows what to do” and even the “mother of the group” on a night out. Those were and are difficult identities for me to relinquish.

When I don’t know my limits, then I lose the ability to truly connect and be seen.

The other day a family member reached out to me to ask what should happen in a situation involving another family member. I finally told them that “I don’t know, maybe ask them?”. There was a part of me that felt like I failed in that moment. There was a part of me screaming my opinion on what should be done. There was a much larger part of me that felt the relief of acknowledging not knowing. There is power in acknowledging my limits. When I don’t know my limits, then I lose the ability to truly connect and be seen. When I don’t acknowledge my limits, I automatically ignore someone else’s boundaries and self-sovereignty.

Honoring my limits and limitations without the need for feelings of shame or the internal admonition that I should know.

I have spent lots of my life invested in being the person who knows. I’m exhausted of expecting myself to know. I’d prefer to invest in my curiosity, practicing saying “I don’t know” or “maybe” instead of an instant “yes, I’ll take care of that”. Honoring my limits and limitations without the need for feelings of shame or the internal admonition that I should know. When something new arises being willing to hear and learn from others.

If you can identify with any of this, I invite you to join me in “know it all recovery”.

Parts of this confession sting deeply but mostly it feels good to yell from the internet’s rooftops that I DON’T KNOW! I can be curious. I can learn new things. I can come alongside you and try and figure something out with you. I can even share my truth and truths that I have learned from others. What I don’t want to do any more is ignore my own limitations as well as the boundaries of others in the service of maintaining the identity of someone who knows. If you can identify with any of this, I invite you to join me in “know it all recovery”. It’s a much freer and authentic place to live, welcome.

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Sarah Park · May 24, 2021 ·

Today is Pansexual pride day. I just happened to notice it on social media, it warmed my pandemic heart.

Happy Pan Pride!!!

It took me a long time to embrace my sexuality and find a term that fit for me and my internal experience of my sexuality. I was 30 when I first heard the term pansexual. A definition lifted from the interwebs is “not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity”. That’s a good technical description for the way I’ve always felt. How I’ve often described it to others is I fall in love with a human, not genitals.

I fall in love with a human, not genitals.

I started dating my husband when I was 22. I didn’t find words for my queer identity until I was 30. I’m in the continual process of embracing that identity. Im now married to my amazing husband, a choice I’d make again and again, yet the invisibility of my identity can hurt. I’m assumed heterosexual, which is often a privilege, but my queerness is also invisible. I suspect that there are many of us in heterosexual appearing relationships with identities that are more expansive.

The middle is well populated yet unseen.

Several years ago I was listening to the podcast Savage Love, the podcaster said something to the effect of bisexual people need to come out more often to normalize the sexual spectrum. Pansexuality can feel like a preverbal no mans land, not gay enough to be queer and not hetero enough to be straight. As I’ve quietly come out to colleagues, friends and clients I’ve had so many people come out to me as identifying somewhere in the middle of the sexual spectrum. I’ve realized that middle is well populated yet often unseen.

Coming Out Still Isn’t Easy

Why am I sharing all this? Because I hope someone else reads this narrative and relates and maybe feels less alone. No one wants to feel like they are weird or the only one. We are connecting creatures by nature.
We are who we authentically say we are. I don’t have to prove my sexual identity, just like I don’t have to defend the fact that I’m a cis-female. Just like you don’t have to prove your gender identity, sexuality, gender presentation or even your crappy music taste.

Being seen is very important!

What has started to reduce my feelings of invisibility is asking my partner accurately understand, honor and name my sexuality. I’ve come out to more people more often. I’ve had conversations with more people about feelings of invisibility. I’ve occupied more queer spaces and been clear about my identity. I’ve engaged in more activism within the LGBT community. I feel slightly more seen and acknowledged, it’s a good feeling.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

I don’t have a super profound point to all this. I just want to be seen and want to invite others to allow themselves to be seen. The biggest gift we can give ourselves be to be wholly and authentically ourselves. I am truly honored by those who let me see themselves and I am honored for all who have given me space to be seen.

With all that said….Happy Panpride Day!

Sarah Park · August 23, 2019 ·

There are two common things I hear in my office. One is that clients are often wondering how to find people who they can really connect with. The second is people are often afraid to be truly seen due to fear of rejection. What I have learned is that people often settle for being, nice or likable in hopes of others not finding offense in who they are.

I totally get it! Likable me, is a people pleaser. She still exists and shows up from time to time. She is concerned about her house being spotless when friends come over. She worries about what people will think of the amount of weight she has gained. She is concerned when others do not respond positively to her. But I have to say, with time and practice that voice is getting smaller. The voice that wants me to hide and to shrink myself due to fears of rejection.

For most being likable often means fitting yourself into someone else’s expectations. Being likable is being more concerned about what others think and feel than what you are experiencing. Being likable is shrinking yourself so that you won’t bother anyone else. Being likable is often about avoidance of rejection. However, while you may avoid some outright rejection you also miss out on deep acceptance.

Instead, I want you to be lovable!!! People who are lovable are authentic, they show up. They are their own brand of quirky and they take up space. To be loved is to be seen. Being lovable is risky because you have to allow others to experience the real you. This also means that some people will not love you, but that’s ok. Those people are not your people. Being seen, truly seen, is deeply satisfying and terrifying. I know, I’ve been working towards embracing my lovability for years.

When I am being my lovable self, I allow myself to say the word FUCK with relish and frequently. I wear clothes that make me feel excited and express something about me. I allow a broad array of emotions and opinions. I show up for myself before I show up for others. I make jokes and play. When I am my authentic self, I allow others the opportunity to see me and possibly love me. When I cover myself up, they don’t really get to know if they might love me.

I believe that the number one fear that holds people back from being their full selves is the fear of being rejected by others. Here’s the thing, not everyone is going to be your person. I often say to clients during the first session, that I am not everyone’s cup of tea and if I’m not yours I encourage you to search for someone who is. Let’s face it, you don’t like everyone you meet, that’s ok. When you can ditch the expectation that everyone should like you you are freer to be yourself and to find people who truly value you for who you are.

Take up space. Be yourself. Cry. Be angry! Express emotions that are scary. Ask people to call you by the name and pronouns that fit for you. Risk saying something that may be unpopular. Be awkward and silly. Be real with yourself and others. You might be surprised by the reaction.

My challenge for you is to choose one person you’d like to be closer with and risk being a little more of yourself than you have been. Watch their reaction. Pay attention to the depth of the conversation. If that person does not respond in a way that feels good to you, that’s ok. Try again or with someone new. Being authentic is risky for all of us however when you are authentic with others it is an invitation for them to do the same. Go out and be lovable!

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