Sarah Park

Sarah Park · April 6, 2020 ·

I enjoy my fantasy of being able to control things, it makes the world feel safer and more manageable.

My illusions of control over my life have been severely challenged by this pandemic. I think that has been true for many of us. I enjoy my fantasy of being able to control things, it makes the world feel safer and more manageable. However, I have been now been violently and repeatedly confronted with the fact that I have such little control over much of anything.

This reality we are living in right now is rapidly changing and pretty frightening. I am noticing that my reactions are all over the place. Below is my ever-evolving theory of fairly common reactions to this collective trauma.

Stages of Covid-19 Acceptance*

1. Denial: It’s not that big of a deal, more people die from the common flu every year. People are just overreacting.

2. Bargaining: Ok so it’s not great for older people but I’ll be fine, I’ll get some more toilet paper….just in case.

3. Avoidance: While sheltering in place I am going to make a strict schedule and stick to it! I’m going to get into the best shape of my life, I’ll start meditating for 45 min a day and I am going to eat only kale and chicken breast.

4. Depression: What does it matter? What day is it anyway? Showering and pants are optional while I cry and watch Tiger King, right?

There is a lot of loss right now and it’s important to feel that.

5. Grief: This is hard. There is a lot of loss right now and it’s important to feel that. Loss of many of my illusions about society and my ability to control the world around me. For many, loss of vacation plans, graduation celebrations, weddings, and being able to birth a child with a partner present. Loss of in person connectedness. The loss of a loved one. The loss of a sense of safety when I leave my house.

I don’t have to like something to accept it.

6. Acceptance: Some days I have the energy to do yoga and some days showering feels hard. We are in a scary situation and it is ok to feel scared, it is ok to cope in any way that fits, it is ok to do what works for you. I don’t have to like something to accept it. I don’t like that this is my/our new reality, but it is what it is. I can feel all my feelings about it, it’s ok. My reactions are valid and real.

Like much else in life, none of these steps are linear. I find myself indulging in moments of denial because the grief feels like too much at the moment. At other times I feel the peace of acceptance until there is something new to grieve.

A worldwide pandemic is a life changing event, let it change your life.

A worldwide pandemic is a life changing event, let it change your life. Lets lean in, grieve, and accept that the world around us is changing and we have no real control over it…the only true control we have is how we respond to our emotions and communicate our needs. Stay safe and healthy friends.

*I want to acknowledge that many people do not have the luxury to do things like “shelter in place”. This list does come from a place of privilege however steps 5 and 6 are steps all of us likely need to process through regardless of our circumstances.

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Sarah Park · February 11, 2020 ·

Created on 2/11/2020. Allowing the colors to flow where they want rather than trying to control them. An illustration of my life lesson this year.

Growing up as a person possessing a uterus I was given the clear message that I could be impregnated at the drop of a hat (drop of a sperm?). As someone with an irregular menstrual cycle there were many hurried trips to the drug store to purchase a pregnancy test that I hoped was going to be negative. There was always that sigh of relief when it was negative. I know this experience was shared by many of my friends. Not everyone was so lucky to be able to breath that sigh of relief, tough decisions had to be made.

Now a negative pregnancy test meant failure, another month of hoping.

Somewhere along the way the conversation started to shift. Now a negative pregnancy test meant failure, another month of hoping. I watched so many friends go through the cycle of hope and despair. Sometimes there was the elation of a positive test then the worry of a miscarriage replaced the joy. When miscarriages did occur the deep sadness of loss would take over. Sometimes, it all worked out and 9 months later a new little being entered the world.

No bottle of wine and date night for us, we had to jump right into the deep end of conception.

My story is a little different. Due to my husband’s history with testicular cancer our first and only option was in vitro fertilization (IVF). No bottle of wine and date night for us, we had to jump right into the deep end of conception. I am not good at doing things half way and that proved true for IVF.

I could feel the doctor cutting the eggs out of my body but I could not move or talk.

Within the space of a year I went through three egg stimulation cycles, which takes about two and a half months. Two and a half months of self-administered shots, complicated medication regimens and mood swings. One of those cycles the eggs were a no show. I survived two egg extractions, during the second egg extraction procedure I was not given enough anesthesia and I could feel the doctor cutting the eggs out of my body but I could not move or talk. I remember in that instance my head swimming with pain and confusion I reminded myself that this pain was for my future baby, this was how I helped myself make it through. After that procedure I knew this was my last round of IVF. I could not trust my doctor or his team. So whatever embryos resulted from that procedure were my last chance at a biological child.

On the morning February 11, 2019 my wished for little boy embryo was placed into my body.

One embryo resulted, it was a boy. On the morning February 11, 2019 my wished for little boy embryo was placed into my body. Then the waiting began. I waited ten loooooong days waiting to take the blood test that would tell me if my life was forever changed. During those 10 days I was hyper attuned to my body. Every twinge felt like a potential sign of pregnancy. On day 10 I took the blood test and waited to hear from my doctor’s office. The news was not good. I was not pregnant.

I am realizing that IVF has changed my life even though nothing has changed at all.

I thought that a positive result and subsequent child would be the only way my life would be forever changed. During this long year of soul searching, anger, extreme sadness, and feelings of purposelessness I am realizing that IVF has changed my life even though nothing has changed at all.

I just have to keep breathing.

I am finding myself in a circumstance in which I can’t work harder to change things. I must accept what is. I don’t like that. I hate that so much. I found myself deeply depressed after the holidays. I laid in bed for three days feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in a sense of purposelessness. At the end of the three days I came to two conclusions. One, I don’t know the future. If you had told me five years ago what these last five years would look like I don’t know if I would have believed you. So the same will likely be true five years from now. I don’t know what is coming. The second realization is that I just have to keep breathing. That is the only thing I need to do. There is no clear task to be done or goal to achieve right now. I just have to breath. Life will arrive as long as I am alive to receive it.

I love hanging out with my friends and their children and sometimes that is really painful.

I hate letting go. I am so bad at it. My therapist would confirm this to be true. But I’m working on it. I’m realizing there can be beauty in letting go. The grief is not over, I know that, but it does feel more manageable. I am triggered all the time, but I am less judgmental about it or surprised by it. I love hanging out with my friends and their children and sometimes that is really painful. I’d rather be a part of their lives than avoid the pain.

Your grief does not have to be fertility related to understand the profound experience of losing a future you thought you had.

It is an accomplishment that I have lived to see another February 11. I still don’t know what my life has in store next but I guess I am more open to the discovery process. Grief can be a dark lonely place. I am sharing my very personal messy journey to let you know you are not alone. Your grief does not have to be fertility related to understand the profound experience of losing a future you thought you had.

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Sarah Park · September 10, 2019 ·

Brené Brown (my researcher crush) says that we can only be as compassionate with others as we are with ourselves. I remember when I first read this, it was a big blow. I considered myself a very compassionate person however I was also incredibly perfectionistic and harsh with myself. This just did not compute for me, I must be an exception to this rule, right? Well, as I have worked on increasing my self-compassion, I have verrry slowly noticed some shifts that I’d like to share.

One such moment was in the airport today. Traveling is stressful for many of us. It’s easy to feel hurried, annoyed and frustrated. I was in line to go through security check when a woman was ushered in front of me by a staff member. This woman was crying and was fairly disorganized. If she were in my office, I’d likely be feeling compassion or at the very least curiosity. But I was out in the world, my first feeling was that of annoyance. I was wanting her to “get it together” and to “grow up”. I quickly realized that these are messages that I tell myself.

I then remembered a time when I was traveling, and it felt like everything was going wrong. I had already been traveling for over a day. My credit card had been turned off twice during the trip despite talking to the bank about traveling. I was on the home stretch and I was waiting for my last flight. I was hungry and went to use my card, it didn’t work. My ability to cope in that moment was 0. I may or may not have cussed out a customer service rep from my bank. I definitely sat on the floor at the airport and cried. This was not my finest moment, but it was honestly the best I could do.

I gently reminded myself that I have no idea what is causing this woman’s tears. What if she just lost a loved one and is traveling to their funeral? What if she is missing a flight to a very important event? What if it’s none of my business and I am free to hope she feels better no matter what is causing the tears? In that moment it became very clear to me how my own self-compassion either limits or expands my generosity with others. Allowing myself to remember a moment of my own when I was in distress while traveling and feeling compassion for myself in that situation allowed me to view this stranger with more compassion.

It’s ok that my first reflex was to feel annoyed. My first reaction does not have to be my final reaction. I can even be compassionate with the part of myself that is still learning to be gentle. I’ve spent a lot more of my life being hard on myself than being kind to myself. That part of me will probably always exist but it does not have to doom me to a life of harsh self-criticism. Compassion is a practice, not a destination. Some moments will be easier than others, that’s ok.

I know I just told you last week to be your authentic self and now I’m telling you to be nicer. On the surface this may seem like a conflicting message. I don’t see it that way. If I was suggesting, you just ACT nice that would be inauthentic. But what I am suggesting is a glacial fundamental shift with how you interact with yourself that will ultimately color how you interact with the world.

Would you like to develop more self-compassion? The first step is to start to tune into your internal dialogue. What are you saying to yourself in moments of difficulty? Chances are you say things to yourself that you’d never say to a friend. That can be a good trick, allow yourself to consider what you would tell a friend in the same circumstances. You’d likely comfort them and tell them it’s not so bad.

You don’t have to believe the things you tell yourself, at first, it’s a practice in considering alternative responses. Over time you may even be able to believe some of the kinder responses. We don’t have to automatically believe everything we think. So much of our automatic responses are colored by old messages that are outdated yet familiar. Just because it’s a familiar thought does not make it true. The flip side is true as well, just because it’s an unfamiliar thought doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Embracing ourselves fully is powerful. Self-compassion is a radical act in a world that often tells us we are not good enough. Be radical, love yourself, and embrace others.

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Sarah Park · August 23, 2019 ·

There are two common things I hear in my office. One is that clients are often wondering how to find people who they can really connect with. The second is people are often afraid to be truly seen due to fear of rejection. What I have learned is that people often settle for being, nice or likable in hopes of others not finding offense in who they are.

I totally get it! Likable me, is a people pleaser. She still exists and shows up from time to time. She is concerned about her house being spotless when friends come over. She worries about what people will think of the amount of weight she has gained. She is concerned when others do not respond positively to her. But I have to say, with time and practice that voice is getting smaller. The voice that wants me to hide and to shrink myself due to fears of rejection.

For most being likable often means fitting yourself into someone else’s expectations. Being likable is being more concerned about what others think and feel than what you are experiencing. Being likable is shrinking yourself so that you won’t bother anyone else. Being likable is often about avoidance of rejection. However, while you may avoid some outright rejection you also miss out on deep acceptance.

Instead, I want you to be lovable!!! People who are lovable are authentic, they show up. They are their own brand of quirky and they take up space. To be loved is to be seen. Being lovable is risky because you have to allow others to experience the real you. This also means that some people will not love you, but that’s ok. Those people are not your people. Being seen, truly seen, is deeply satisfying and terrifying. I know, I’ve been working towards embracing my lovability for years.

When I am being my lovable self, I allow myself to say the word FUCK with relish and frequently. I wear clothes that make me feel excited and express something about me. I allow a broad array of emotions and opinions. I show up for myself before I show up for others. I make jokes and play. When I am my authentic self, I allow others the opportunity to see me and possibly love me. When I cover myself up, they don’t really get to know if they might love me.

I believe that the number one fear that holds people back from being their full selves is the fear of being rejected by others. Here’s the thing, not everyone is going to be your person. I often say to clients during the first session, that I am not everyone’s cup of tea and if I’m not yours I encourage you to search for someone who is. Let’s face it, you don’t like everyone you meet, that’s ok. When you can ditch the expectation that everyone should like you you are freer to be yourself and to find people who truly value you for who you are.

Take up space. Be yourself. Cry. Be angry! Express emotions that are scary. Ask people to call you by the name and pronouns that fit for you. Risk saying something that may be unpopular. Be awkward and silly. Be real with yourself and others. You might be surprised by the reaction.

My challenge for you is to choose one person you’d like to be closer with and risk being a little more of yourself than you have been. Watch their reaction. Pay attention to the depth of the conversation. If that person does not respond in a way that feels good to you, that’s ok. Try again or with someone new. Being authentic is risky for all of us however when you are authentic with others it is an invitation for them to do the same. Go out and be lovable!

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Sarah Park · September 14, 2017 ·

I remember missing my bedroom from home during my first quarter of my freshmen year of college. I went from being the only person in my room to living with 3 other women. It was tense and not all of our personalities fit well. We started off polite enough but soon we devolved into yelling matches. None of us were bad people, we were just in a strange new situation without a lot of understanding of how to address the conflict we kept running into. Here is a list of 5 things I wish I knew when I was experiencing living with roommates for the first time.

1. Communication

I really should say TIMELY communication. Don’t let things build. What often happens is people let things slide until they can’t stand it anymore then when they finally say something it comes out with an edge of frustration or anger. This leaves the other person feeling surprised or defensive.

Let’s look at an example of how to communicate clearly. The situation is that you notice that your roommate used your computer without asking and you are not ok with this. Maybe you would have let them use your computer if they had asked but it feels like a violation for them to just use it.

Step 1: State the facts. In a calm tone say; “I saw you used my computer while I was out.”

Step 2: Express how you are feeling. “When you use my things without asking it makes me feel uncomfortable.”

Step 3: Tell them what you would like in the future. “Next time I would like you to ask before you use any of my stuff. If I’m not here it’s ok to text me.”

Step 4: Indicate what the outcome will be if they do what you ask of them in the future. “I would like to continue to build a trusting relationship with you and this will help!”

2. Be clear and stay on track.

Even if you follow all the steps above it is still possible that your roommate will respond defensively. A common tactic is to change the fight into something else. For example, “well I had to wash your dishes this morning because you left your cereal bowl in the sink. You should wash your dishes more often so I don’t have to do it.”

I know it is sooooo tempting to be derailed by these types of statements but the best course of action is to stay on topic.

Be a broken record: “We can talk about that later. Right now we are talking about you using my computer without permission. In the future I would like you to ask before using any of my things.”

3. Actually listening.

So far we’ve talked about ways you can communicate clearly to a roommate, but what about when someone is trying to tell you something? It’s important to try and listen to what they are asking of you. Of course there are boundaries to this, you should not stand for abusive and aggressive forms of communication. However, if a roommate is approaching you with a concern in a way that is not abusive it is up to you to really take in a hear what they are saying. It does not mean you agree, it means you respect the other person enough to hear them and let them know you are hearing them. You can use similar steps from number 1 to be a better listener.

Let’s switch perspectives and pretend you are the roommate who used the computer without permission.

Step 1: Repeat what you understood. “What I’m hearing you say is that you are not comfortable with me using your stuff without asking. I didn’t think it was a big deal and I’m hearing that it wasn’t ok with you.”

Step 2: Indicate how their communication makes you feel. “I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I’m really sorry for that.”

Step 3: State what you will do in the future. “I’ll totally ask before I use any of your stuff in the future.”

4. Using your resources.

Your Residence Assistants (RAs) and Coordinators of Student Development (CSDs) are trained to help with roommate communication and conflict. Students often go to them as a last resort, I’d encourage you to engage your RA before you at the point of wanting to move out. Both RAs and CSDs can help with mediation and can support you to use better communication skills.

During my college roommate conflict reaching out to our RA was really what helped. Having another person support us to navigate communication was key. We were all so sure our side was right it was nearly impossible for us to discuss our differences without breaking into a fight. The RA provided us the support we needed to stay calm and communicate.

5. Knowing when to walk away.

Sometimes there is just a poor match between roommates and all the communication in the world won’t fix that. Understand what your limits are and talk to your RAs or CSDs about your desire to move. Also understand that moving may not solve everything. There might be other issues with the next roommates and moving isn’t always easy with full dormitories. Weigh your options and honor your needs.

In my situation one of my 3 roommates ended up moving out. It was really what was best for the 4 of us. We were all much happier and we were able to remain friendly with one another. Not everyone is meant to live with each other.

Living with other people is often not simple or immediately easy. However, the close relationships that can result from clear communication and understanding can be priceless. Those women I lived with my freshmen year are still friends of mine and it’s been quite some time since we shared that room together.

If you would like additional support navigating school, roommates and being away from home Thrive San Luis Obispo is here to help. We specialize in helping Cal Poly students adjust and thrive. Contact us today to schedule a consultation and see if coaching or therapy is right for you!

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